Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Netflix and scream at our children?!
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.