“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure