[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Self-cleaning conscience
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.