Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving