Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
japanese corn
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason