In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Wikigenius
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?