BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Anyone really
Buck naked
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.