Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
house sitting!