6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
š³
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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be āugly coffee maker manā
Barista: no for you
Me: Iāll be āhandsome coffee drinker guyā
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didnāt dissolve v well but heād never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
She died as she livedācursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and weāre landing in a volcano
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, Iām gonna respond with: you think thatās bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I didnāt read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I canāt put them down.
japanese corn
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons heās a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualifyā¦
Iām no longer his favourite kid.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[at work]
me in my 20ās: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i donāt eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Things I never thought I would say: āwell if you unpacked your stuff youād know where your elf ears wereā.
Parenting is fun lol
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.