Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard