Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Birds & Planes.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
#NeverForget
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich