me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Good point.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.