BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.