my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Does this dress make me look cat?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*