I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Need WebMD
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*