me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
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This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Yup!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.