Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“Why you watching this shit?”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today