My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
This fish is cracking me up
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.