Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Lassie, get help!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Anyone want a chair?