ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining