[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Incredible customer service.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher