My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters