i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
when you order from DoorDastardly
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Just a friendly reminder!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.