My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.