text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I feel seen.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon