What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.