Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.