It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.