Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Don’t snitch tag.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]