The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?