Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
You Might Also Like
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.