Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Awesome parenting 😂
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday