*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I bet birds love this building.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…