Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?