POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
LMAO.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants