Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
You Might Also Like
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?