[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.