ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
🤣🤣🤣
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.