IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
.. do you even science?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to