half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
😂💯
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”