I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
OH. COME. ON.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space