So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him