Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
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Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me trying to walk in a dream
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.