It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster