My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
💻🤡
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.