Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
why I oughta
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?