[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.