One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You Might Also Like
This is a sub tweet
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!