Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I don’t make the rules sorry
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)