My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable